Create a drag and drop interface for your service. Drag and drop is an old technique, but still has a lot of mileage in buzzword bingo currency.
Create a presentation with two slides, each with maybe a dozen or so points in small font (and two columns) describing the problem you’re trying to solve. Make it look as complicated as possible. Do not use contractions, and add acronyms wherever possible. The objective is to minimise whitespace.
Spend 20 minutes of your 40 minute presentation on these two slides alone to overwhelm your target audience with technical terms that half of them don’t really understand because they’re managers and not the people who actually do this type of work, and stress how difficult the conventional method is by emphasising that people who do this work use alcohol and drugs as a coping mechanism.
In your delivery, your intent is to channel the opening of informercials where they make simple life tasks seem extremely difficult. eg. “Do you have trouble using doors to get from room to room?”, “Do you regularly try to put yours socks on after your shoes?”
Create a single slide to summarise the gift from heaven that your product is. It may not even need to contain anything more than a simple life affirmation.
Spend no more than 2-3 minutes on this slide.
Essentially, you’re following on from those inane life-is-so-difficult questions from 2. with “Not anymore! With [product] you’ll never have to be driven to alcohol and narcotic abuse ever again.” Dress it up a bit, and add a sense of optimism and vibrancy to your voice.
During the demo component of the presentation, alt-tab frequently between your drag and drop interface (white background) and a command line terminal (black background) to illustrate how much more attractive a drag and drop interface is over a shell terminal.
The background colours are critical, this is a subliminal message to convey white is good, black is bad. This is why people like ‘white-label’. You can always change it later once they’ve signed the contract and just call it ‘branding’.
If there is risk of a hard sell, slip an incentive to the client representative who has to on-sell your pitch to the execs. Remember, it’s not a felonious offence they’re not feds.
I feel very strongly about the use of the expression “In a perfect world…”. It usually comes up in discussions about improvements or proposals for change when someone says something like “In a perfect world, this would be great.” or “Well that’s just utopian, isn’t it”.
I’m as cynical as they come, but perhaps I’m just too optimistic for my own good.
What exactly is wrong with wanting to make changes that work in a perfect world? If you keep dismissing ideas or suggestions because you’re not in a perfect world right now, you’re effectively closing the door on opportunities to help bring yourself closer to that perfect world.
What’s wrong with taking the first steps to preparing for that utopian future? To build yourself a foundation for a better environment, a better work place, a better life?
If you wait for the world to be utopia before you try any of these things, you’ll never experience anything remotely close to it.
In a perfect world, I would be more healthy.
In a perfect world, I would show more kindness to others.
In a perfect world, I would drive my car less and walk, ride, or use public transport more.
In a perfect world, the client would give us requirements before we ask for them.
In a perfect world, we would use coding standards and best practices and good design patterns.
In a perfect world, I would be a better human being.
Noone and no world is perfect, but don’t ever let that stop you from wanting to do and be better. And never use the impossibility of perfection as an excuse for your laziness and indifference.
“I’m not a real programmer. I throw together things until it works then I move on. The real programmers will say ‘Yeah it works but you’re leaking memory everywhere. Perhaps we should fix that.’ I’ll just restart Apache every 10 requests.”—